Old Fashioned Marriage Part 3:
A Community Project
by
Joseph C. Phillips
In the midst of
writing about the need to re-establish traditional marriage as an American
institution, I received a frantic phone call from one of my wife’s girlfriends.
She knew my wife was out of town, but wanted to know if it was okay to come to
the house. It was clear she was near tears so I bade her come on. Minutes
later, she was at the door. I made her some coffee and we sat and made small
talk until she felt calm enough to return home to her children. She and her
husband have been having a tough time of it lately and whatever it was that
upset her involved the difficulties in her marriage. I do not know the
specifics of what brought her to my door that evening. I never asked. I
figured what happens in her marriage is none of my business.
Or is it? They have two children. If I truly believe in
the importance of marriage especially when it comes to the raising of children
isn’t it incumbent upon me to do what I can to support their marriage? If
marriage is good for the community isn’t the health of each marriage community
business? Are we not touched by each failure?
Not too very long ago, another friend confided to me that
he was having an affair. I suggested that perhaps he begin taking care of
business at his home. He responded angrily that I had no right to judge him. I
snapped back, “I intend on
honoring the vows taken at your nuptials.” After a breath I softened a bit. “I
promised to support your marriage,” I said. “How could I look your children in
the eye if I didn’t make an effort to save their family from destruction?” It
was a difficult moment in our friendship, however, I remain convinced it was the
right thing to do.
Of course, I am not recommending that we all adorn the
raiment of judges, knocking on our neighbors’ doors sticking our noses in where
they are likely to get punched. What I attempted to do with my adulterous
friend and what I failed to do with my wife’s girlfriend was to be an advocate
for their marriage, to be an encouragement from a pro-marriage vantage point.
I have been married 12 years and to quote the poet
Langston Hughes my marriage, “ain’t been no crystal stair.” During my wedding,
the minister asked all attending to repeat the phrase, “Go Home!” “This,” she
pronounced, “is to be your response when either one of them comes to you
complaining about their partner. ‘Go home!’” Lord knows I have heard those
words on more than one occasion. Thankfully, they were also followed by words of
wisdom and support. During rough patches in my marriage, friends have flown
cross-country to give me a kick in the pants or called to pray with me for
strength and understanding. These were friends that said in no uncertain terms
they would not sit idly by and watch my marriage disintegrate. The success of my
marriage was their business.
Certainly, I am not suggesting we encourage each other to
remain in abusive relationships. Prudence is a necessary weapon in the battle
to re-establish the institution of marriage. I am, however, suggesting there is
a road through the otherwise normal ebb and flow of married life and we must
make it our business to help each other navigate the rough terrain.
Folks are fond of saying, “It takes a village to raise a
child.” We must first acknowledge that the community must also support the
marriages into which those children will ideally be born. The real world is
harsh. Marriage needs all the friends it can get.
